I may be coming to the end of the search for meaningful employment. I have received, and accepted, an offer. There are contingencies and I have to wait for those to clear, so it will probably be another week or two before I actually have to make the regular trip to an office. Before I can rejoin the workforce I have to pass a background check and a drug test.
Back when I was an employee of my good Uncle Sam he decided that too many of the lads in his service were using illicit drugs, so project ‘Golden Flow’ was born. One iteration of the project involved supposedly random testing; 4 digit sequences were published daily and if they matched the last 4 digits of your Social Security number and you were under 27 years of age you had to go in to the testing center and provide a urine sample. But, and this was a big but, you had to fill the jar with your own personal monitor watching intently. I suppose I was not exhibitionist enough so this was always a problem for me. I would drink several glasses of water before heading to the testing center, go in to provide a sample, and as soon as the monitor locked his gaze on my, ummm, apparatus the valves would clamp shut and nothing would flow. One time it took me over 4 hours to fill the admittedly small sample jar.
The some court decided that the ‘random’ testing was not sufficiently random, so the next version of ‘Golden Flow’ was even more laughable. One morning we would wake up to the notice that everyone under 27 years old (who decided that no one over 27 abused substances?) had to make their way to an airplane hanger for testing. In the hangar we would queue up in lines behind a circle of 55 gallon drums. Once you were directly in front of one of the drums it was your turn to fill your cup, all under the watchful eye of the circle of monitors sitting inside the circle. I always wondered what happened to the overflow in all those drums.
Today I had to go to a local lab to fill the cup for the current pre-employment drug test, the first time I have been tested in over three decades. I consumed plenty of water before driving to the lab, then drank constantly while waiting to be called. Fortunately there was no private monitor, but I had to empty and evert my pants pockets before going into the room to do the deed, presumably to make sure I was not smuggling in some contraband. And I was warned not to flush the commode or run water in the sink while in the room, either of which apparently would result in a non-test. Fortunately I was sufficiently hydrated and spent what was probably less than a minute in the room. No performance anxiety this time! Ahhhhh. A slightly better experience than my past, which makes me happy I do not have to be subjected the the USADA ‘provide a sample in front of a monitor within 2 hours’ type of testing on a regular basis.





